She Waits, Hesitates

A Poem, A Reflection and more..

A Poem

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In that moment she waits, hesitates

She knows the signs, there are alarms ringing

Deep down she knows this is only the beginning 

Those subtle hints, she wants so badly to ignore

But she knows, from hereon there is so much more 

Why don’t you try, wearing your hair another way 

Not that you aren’t always looking so pretty each day 

You know what lip colour would look amazing on you ? 

Babe, wear my favourite dress, that one, the blue 

In that moment she waits, hesitates

She knows the signs, there are alarms ringing

Deep down she knows this is only the beginning 

The Silence Of Violence - Artwork by Beau Wilde

A Reflection

At first, it does appear endearing. Perhaps it feels nice, someone is paying attention to the little details and cares enough to take the time to comment. They are after all being complimentary in some ways, and just helping her look or feel better, by their suggestions .. right ? 

Over time, it becomes apparent that the little hints or suggestions are in fact the beginning of a pattern of control. 

A way of wearing down her ability to think for herself, trust herself and feel good without seeking opinion or approval to please someone else.

It’s the slow fall in confidence where she begins to question everything and whether her thoughts are relevant, right or even really matter. 

Behaviours and appearances change, all to appease another. Often so slowly, without being aware until she is so far conditioned, her mind questions everything, everyone, even herself. But not him.

Without experience, it is very difficult for anyone to see the signs.

Friends or loved ones may notice little changes, some may even alert her or ask questions, although often by the time they do she has withdrawn from them anyway, and their influence is minimal. 

She becomes distant, as do the memories of who she was before he came along with all of those compliments, that love and attention, which is now gone too. 

Alone and isolated, all that she has is uncertainties and sadness as she has come to trust and love another, more than she can love and trust herself. 

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Awareness

This week’s edition brings to our attention and awareness a difficult topic. It is one that although is now starting to get some media attention, unfortunately so many in the general community remain unaware of what it even is. Although governments around the world are slowly amending legislation and adopting new policies to make it a criminal offence, public awareness and perception of it remains disappointing low.

Coercive Control

It is horrible, sad, and occurring more in our communities than you may realise.

The silent abuse and destroyer of lives behind closed doors. The abuse that no one can hear the screaming or shouting of, as the screaming is happening inside the victims mind, not in the living room for neighbours to hear. The abuse that does not show physical bruises as warning signs, but may present in subtle psychological signs or physical health deterioration that family and friends may not notice over a period of time. It is the abuse that strips a victim to their core gradually, often without them, or anyone else even realising, until it’s too late.

Awareness of, prevention and recovery from any form of Domestic Violence. Sexual Assault or Abuse runs deep for me, and none more so than Coercive Control. With lived experience, I have many things to share around this topic in the future and in my upcoming memoir to be released next year.

For now, I am sharing only a short summary as a conclusion to the poem shared, and the further reflection. I believe this was important to ensure that all who read or listen to the poem and reflection understand the context.

For further reference, and to acknowledge the seriousness of this abuse, increase awareness and provide knowledge for those who do not have experience with or have limited understanding of Coercive Control, I have included a section from a recent Australian news article with some shocking research data below. This sadly shows the tragic reality that this form of abuse is not only silent, but could well be the most frightening and dangerous of all, as it is commonly the precursor to intimate partner homicide.

Professor Evan Stark, a sociologist who developed the concept of coercive control, has defined it a "pattern of domination that includes tactics to isolate, degrade, exploit and control" victims, "as well as to frighten them or hurt them physically".

Stark's research has found 60-80 per cent of women who seek help for abuse have experienced it, and that the "level of control" in such relationships is a predictor of severe and fatal violence. A review of domestic violence-related homicides in NSW Australia, for instance, found that in 99 per cent of cases, the relationship was characterised by the male abuser's use of coercive controlling behaviours towards the victim

As you can now understand, even from the limited information provided today around Coercive Control this is a topic that I could write many lengthy articles on, and one that deserves to be written of and acknowledged for awareness.

Today however, is about the poem, the reflection and a further summary purely to ensure as readers you understand both in context, and are aware of another part of my life that I reflect upon, and will,

when ready reveal more of.

If you, or anyone you know needs help with Domestic Violence you can contact -

Australia  - 1800RESPECT. 1800 737 732
USA           - 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
UK.            - 0808 8024040

Interesting Fact - Canada DOES NOT seem to have a national hotline available. I will continue to search for it, and update the page accordingly if I find one !

Note - Although my poem and reflection, along with the information provided from Professor Evan Stark references women, I would also like to acknowledge that men are also at times victims of domestic violence and abuse too.

This Weeks Artwork

This weeks artwork selection is by Beau Wilde an incredible American artist who through her commentary work seeks to explore and generate awareness of issues such as domestic violence, body size acceptance, and the plight of indigenous women in the United States. The piece selected named ‘Silence Of Violence’ tells a story, and Beau’s words about this painting are noted below -

Silence Of Violence

Domestic violence happens most often to women. But indigenous women and girls are disproportionately targets of domestic or sexual violence, reporting 84% compared to 25% of white American women. There is total apathy towards these deaths. Globally, women are the victims of this abuse and tend to experience more severe forms: physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive and sexual and death. Frequently there is a cycle of abuse during which tensions rise and an act of violence is committed, followed by a period of reconciliation and calm. The presence of a gun increases the risk of homicide by 500%. These women are trapped in domestic violent situations through isolation from their family or reservation, power and control, fear, shame and/or lack of financial resources. My painting expresses an indigenous woman's experiences of hatred, violence and possible death when trapped in a domestic violence relationship.