As I sat and looked at him speaking, his words became muffled sounds, like the distant bass at a nearby concert. My eyes glazed over as I stared into the distance, where clarity seemed to increase with each step further away, yet the world in front of me remained blurred. It didn't matter anymore what he said—the reasons why, the promises of "never again," or the twist of blame.
I’d heard it all so many times before, and not only from him. I had reached a point in my life where understanding why someone does something cruel or unkind felt like making excuses for them, rather than holding them accountable or receiving an apology, even one that was insincere.
Empathy is important, as is communication and listening, but trying to understand the reasoning behind the actions of those who are unthoughtful or bring pain and suffering, I now believe, only prolongs that pain and suffering.
What I have learned is, we may never really understand what drives someone to commit harmful or reckless acts toward another. Nor may we ever be able to accept it. We don’t have to. And if we do, are we excusing it, thereby allowing it to happen again—to us, or someone else?
It's a conflicted thought of mine, as understanding someone's reasoning might help us find forgiveness. But forgiveness varies for each individual based on their perception, faith, or beliefs. It makes me wonder, how long do we need to spend trying to understand someone's motives?
At what point do we realise that, in the end, it doesn't matter?
Is it only once we have felt pain, heartbreak, disappointment, deception, and been let down so many times that we become exhausted and give up? Or do we simply become wiser?
So much time in my life has been spent wondering what happened to him (or her) to make them so cruel or unkind. Yet, in parallel, I’ve also pondered what happened to make others so kind and thoughtful after witnessing and receiving compassion and thoughtfulness, even from strangers.
I have known people who suffered terrible traumas who went on to be mindful, ensuring they never inflicted similar pain on others. Yet I’ve also seen those who experienced the same trauma become the very monsters who traumatised them. Perhaps it’s environmental, maybe its chemical, or both. Who knows?
Through these observations, and the many hours (or countless days) I spent trying to ‘understand’ so that I could heal, I’ve come to realise that sometimes there is no reason for the way people treat others, and sometimes there is.
Either way, there is no excuse.
How we behave or treat others is not dependent on our past, but on the future we wish to create for ourselves and those who surround us. Trying to figure someone else out can consume so much time and energy while also prolonging your pain. So try to let go, and accept that some things, and some people, we may never understand or truly know.
These are my thoughts. I would love to hear yours.
Wishing you happiness and love. Take care,
— Rebecca
Each time I share these whispers from my heart, I do so believing that they may reach someone out there who may be feeling alone, struggling to understand, or finding a way forward from an unpleasant or difficult situation they have found themselves in. If this resonates with you, or you feel it may resonate with someone you know, please do share, as this publication and post is free.