Alignment

Understanding The Importance and How To Realign

This week I have been reflecting on how the people we have in our lives can affect our ability to make decisions that may not be in our own best interests. Or worse, cause behavioural changes, communication or reactions that are in conflict with how we want to show up in the world. Especially when it comes to how we portray respect for those around us, and importantly for ourselves.

When we have overwhelming stresses that surround us, expectations of others creating pressure, or more commonly a conflict in values with the people we are around it can indirectly influence our behaviour and style of communication. 

In the past, I have unfortunately found myself in relationships or environments that are fuelled by negativity, as I’m sure many of us have. I didn’t set out to place myself in those situations or to do so with intent, although I did find myself there and at times felt stuck, unhappy and unaligned.

Reflection and Realisation

Taking the time to reflect on my experiences now that I am able to, I have come to realise that in those times, without conscious awareness my decisions when made under negative external influences, had adverse outcomes that affected the paths that I was on. I knew my reactions and decisions were a stark contrast to what I wanted or was trying to achieve, and how I wanted to be seen or heard, however I didn’t really understand what was going on, and had limited control.

My behaviour and communication to others felt unnatural, unnerving and uncomfortable. I didn’t like it at all, although I had no idea what to do about it.

All I truly wanted was to treat others fairly and with kindness, and have that returned to me, although it seemed impossible to achieve.

Internal Conflict

With an internal conflict occurring, I found there was a constant war going on between my head and my heart. I questioned how could I continue to be me, and not react to others with the negativity, unfairness or the disrespect I was experiencing. When surrounded by those who were behaving in ways that were not in alignment with my values, it was difficult to say the least, and it is not always as simple as leaving a job or partnership to remove yourself instantly.

In those moments I questioned everything, everyone and sometimes, myself.

The consistent thoughts in my mind were -

How could I behave or make choices without allowing my emotions, or external influences to overpower me ? 

How could I continue to do what made others happy, or give them what they wanted or expected from me when clearly there was misalignment? 

How could I perform my duties and responsibilities in corporate management  ? 

How could I do all of this without putting my own values, wants or needs aside ? 

How could I defend myself, or others who were being attacked ? This was one of the most challenging for me as an INFJ personality (The Advocate), which can be a blessing and curse all at once.

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All of those were daily questions and pressures I put on myself whilst trying to navigate life, and maintain living by my own core values of kindness, respect for others and compassion. The answers to those questions were hard to find when in a constant heightened emotional state and to be honest I didn’t want to accept the answers anyway. The fact was deep down, I knew it was impossible to do any of that of that whilst in those environments, and so I had to find space.

I needed space to think clearly and remind myself what was important to me and not prioritise what was important to everyone else. I needed time to reflect upon what or who was making me feel unsettled and why. I then needed a plan, and to find a way to remove myself, to reset and realign.

Re Alignment

The first thing I needed to do to reset and realign was understand myself again.

By taking the time to know ourselves better, we can be confident with who we are and how we want to be seen. We can align with others that have the same or at least similar values and morals. We can behave and communicate authentically, and set an example for others to follow on how we want to be communicated with or treated. We become authentic, and the world sees and hears us, and generally once this happens, 1 of 3 things will occur -

1. People will adapt their behaviour when around us. They may mimic, or at the very least respect us, our decisions and our values

2. People will challenge us to try and rebel, or they may try and make us change to align with and suit their wants and needs

3. People will leave. They no longer feel aligned with us (which is ok and common) or our authenticity may scare them and make them unsettled.

When realigning and being true to ourselves we need to be prepared to lose people. It takes courage and commitment, and we need to remember that whilst some around us may leave, whether by their choice or ours, new people will come. People that are aligned, bring happiness and make us feel like ourselves again. Being aware and having acceptance of this is imperative to enable change.

To Make Change, Know Your Values

Knowing and understanding your values will assist with identifying where you may have misalignment, and the changes needed to realign.

Values are the fundamental beliefs that govern our lives. They inspire how we act and speak. They guide our decisions about everything from career to personal growth. They embody the person we want to be, influencing how we treat others and how we interact with the world. To state it plainly, values are the core of who we are. - Team Tony (Tony Robbins)

If you have never undertaken an exercise to get clarity on what your values are, I suggest you take the time to do so. If you have done an exercise or test, or you believe that you already know, I challenge you to re-assess your values regularly.

As we change and grow and become wiser through life experiences, our values can and will change. It is sometimes surprising what comes out of a values enquiry exercise, and seeing if a change has in fact occurred. Often, any changes will be primarily in the order of importance, rather than a new value of contrast appearing. However, if for some reason this has occurred, we can reflect upon whether that change has come from own knowledge or growth and is positive as we have let go of values that may no longer serve us, or if there has there been an external influence in effect to shake things up.

Knowing our values allows us to move through life with an awareness of what is important to us and why. It allows us to understand why we may feel unsettled or uncomfortable around certain people or environments and recognise when we are not in alignment with our true core self. Bringing yourself back into alignment, is the key to balance and ultimately happiness.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance- Brian Tracy

If you would like to explore your values, you can find a variety of tests online, or you can reach out to me and I will send you some further information, links and a worksheet to use if you prefer. I look forward to reading your messages or comments on this topic, and sharing more about my values in future releases of One Shall Whisper.